I know everyone tells me it’s so great how far I’ve come… but I feel terrible. Terrible that I’m slowly losing complete motivation. Terrible that I end up feeling guilty every time I have something “carby” or sweet. Terrible that I can’t enjoy life the same way everyone else can, only because I’m the one who seems to “obsess” about body image. Terrible that it’s taking so fucking long.

I tell myself daily that I’m doing this as a lifestyle, and it’s not an extreme diet or workout regime, and that I can take a break for a month (IF I WANT TO) and get back into it. But it’s so hard. It’s really really really really hard. 

Not even the diet, but just the idea that it’s consuming who I am. My entire life I’ve never felt “good enough,” I’ve always felt/and still feel that I need to compete with others, and that I have yet to accomplish anything that’s worth mentioning. 

So when my friend recently told me “WOW, THIS IS THE BEST YOU’VE EVER LOOKED!” and I asked him, “even more so than when I was a lot skinnier?” and he said “yes, definitely!” The only thought that crossed my mind was…then why don’t I feel it?